I could see him out of the corner of my eye. he was impossibly tall, grey ash all in a big sheet, like yesterdays news. moody. The breeze would kick his hips out when a hot burst of air gathered and stirred a tropical heat around the room. He smelled smoky and sweet, faint hot breath of jasmine. It was an old smell, something lost. I sensed he could see me and see me for what I was, and in the condition I'd been left.
The pythons shifted their weight.
I'd seen the snakes in my hair for the first time when I was five, and I pretended not to see.
The house was lurching and decrepit. The one my granny Viola shared with her brood of strange sons, it was a house of wax oddities. There was no light in the house and granny liked to keep the whole thing wrapped in plastic. My mother left me there while she worked, she'd married one of the sons.
Viola was a women who wore nothing but shades of purple, fully costumed everyday to accentuate her name and the creepy light of the wax house with its' blue TV screen light, illuminating two generations of frightening men.
Viola, in her mauve house dress with matching pinny intricately embroidered and immaculately ironed, Viola with her woolly mauve cardigans and the long braids done everyday and wrapped across the top of her head, one two and three times. It was a latticework of hair, shades of white and grey forming a steely crown, she was the queen of the stardust ballroom. It was a dance floor where no one ever shook a leg. Viola worked like a man in her wax museum of a house, her boys good for nothing, she had a favourite, though and by comparison unobtrusive and harmless even kind.
Uncle Mike, had a gardening shed where the sharps were kept sharp and artfully displayed along with two varieties of garden hose. Uncle mikes' garden was a Louisiana swamp, a copse of buggered fruit trees dripping with caterpillars . The floor of the garden nothing but deep furrows like the wrinkles on his face, my grandmother's face. The yard was Swiss chard, scarlet runner beans, potatoes and it was raining caterpillars. The ground was soaked with tobacco spit. I asked him for a pinch one day and he gave it to me, I was five. Uncle Mike also had homemade wine brewing in the basement and liked to give me some in a juice glass mornings to start my day, and then out into the dark garden we'd go. It was on one of those mornings I first noticed the snake. I could feel delicate lips kissing my brow the hiss of a wicked smile and I cocked my head a little and out of the corner of my eye the snake winked. Uncle Mike and I went to the shed for the tool he'd use to claw the stones and rocks back from the chard, dead bodies of naughty caterpillars heads smashed in, guts ripped out. It was on a morning in the swamp this hellish garden I shouted, "Hey Uncle Mike, there's a snake in my hair!". I gave it a yank, nope wouldn't budge, the snake liked it's new home and liked it fine. I could see the python the knowing smile, perfect ease - it was a dancer. Uncle Mike blushed the colour of cabernet and pretended not to see the snake - ignored me when I spoke. I'd said a bad thing. And then I could feel it, heart sinking shame rising, the snake coiled tighter around my skull. When I looked in the mirror I didn't see the angelic child with white blond hair, I saw hair out of place - a funny film of a girl. A life passing in celluloid. It was an act to be endured living this little girl's life, the dark secret circling around my head setting the knots in my hair.
That first summer, was the season of the caterpillar harvest, and the snake in my hair, a tiny white python to match the platinum curls of my head. And there I was this glowing creation standing in the deep furrows of the black soil where nothing would grow, because it was too dark and there was no sunlight allowed in. This was Medusa's garden.
Viola understood my desperation to rescue the dying caterpillars. Underneath the suffering fruit trees they would rain cats and dogs. The caterpillars decked out in their best faux fur would squirm in panic awaiting their fate in the form of a gardening tool, a claw raked over their backs, heads ripped mercilessly from their bodies and squashed unceremoniously under the clod hoppers of my Uncle Mike. It was a tragedy and a disaster of certain proportions to the girl with snakes in her hair and granny Viola gave her glass jars to put the caterpillars in to save them from their cruel fate. And forgot to tell her to poke holes in the lids. Soon all the caterpillars were loaded into the glass jars and displayed along the rail of the old back porch. After two days they had formed a stew in the oasis of calm I'd created in their glass houses the sun glinting off the torrid display of dead bodies. Undeterred a fresh generation of caterpillars was already snacking on the fugitive green of viola's dank garden plot - this time i poked the holes.
The snake smiled impishly as I worked, it knew something i didn't.
The others, the unviolated and safe would let their eyes land on the girl long enough to count to ten and then they had to look away, convinced she had the devil. That dirty secret. No one touched the girl, careful not to get within an arms length in case they would brush up against her. They wanted to ward off her advances , soon more snakes came and they grew there in the crown of her white blond hair, feeding on her shy smile.
She knew as she grew older the fairytales weren't real, no Santa Claus no Cinderella, no yellow brick road and no snakes in her hair. Her eyes were her enemies - she couldn't trust them.
This was an alternate reality and one she did not choose. The little girl had a hand mirror from Viola and she used to sit on the red vinyl chair in the kitchen dangle her feet and tilt the mirror in such a way as to take away the ground beneath her. A trick she learned while her legs dangled and her head swam.
It was the hydra, it was the black heart of Davey Jones locker. Medusa dove to the depths and took the pythons. They loved to swim. They craved the lack of oxygen and the hiss of strangled emotions.
Then the girl grew into a woman one day, carefully trained as no one’s lover, no one’s mother. She smiled and waved anyway, heart as sweet as a moon pie, large as the wooden roller coaster at the P.N.E. Her boyfriend took her on the ride 7 times, trying to give her emotion: crying, screaming, laughing, swearing. Her composure was in tact and the snakes were comfortable, content. She felt dizzy, a detached mysterious lost feeling of alarm somewhere in her gut, way down low. Medusa still kept her garden, dank and crawling. Medusa laughed lightly, she was beautiful and she new it and yet hideous, par boiled in solitude. Time meant nothing, she knew she would live forever that was her promise - an eternity with an itchy scalp.
Then came a day past the bloom of youth the Medusa looked in the mirror and saw the snakes, by this time she new she was crazy, they'd told her so. She felt alive now, rejection was the drug, an ugly obsession - she laughed out loud. Where'd those damn snakes come from, they were kind of pretty the way they would kiss her brow and hiss in her ear, ‘you got what you deserved', and she smiled at the revelation. This must be the truth and felt relief.
As she was looking at the reflection of herself in a plate glass window, admiring how the snakes could make themselves look like curls and coil in delightful shapes around the crown of her head she noticed the shape of a man. He looked like a spirit and he smelled of musk and oranges. She could feel him in the air and it grew heavy and a mist fell -the whiff of jasmine. Then he saw her, saw her hair with the snakes. The woman blushed and stammered, and he laughed a low laugh, like he'd seen this kind of thing before, like it didn't matter to him. When he spoke she heard every word and tried to understand what he said, his voice was like music and his words laid across her soul like myrrh poured from an alabaster flask. The snakes, grew intoxicated, the jasmine perfume loosened them up. Their eyes lolled up in their heads and they fell to the women's feet coiled like Uncle Mike's gardening hose.
Rhonda S
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Medusame
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Unconditional Love
Note: This piece spun out of Galatians and the Love Nest.
Unconditional love makes me think of angels, and not the mystical kind. Not the invisible ones who watch over us somehow through the bars of Orion. No these are tall and muscular, mighty, with gold or silver tipped wings. Wings with very fluffy feathers, and their robes are full and rich and yet light as air like chiffon or silk. They have beatific smiles with faces that remind us of our grannies or sweethearts.
The angels I think of when dreaming about unconditional love are also the plump Cherubim and Putti with creamy skin and silly smiles and yes some have tiny fiddles and little harps. They wear nothing but an unmade nappy that floats inexplicably over the angels' private parts, and they lit you pick them up and cuddle them like little children. These are the angels I imagine when I think of unconditional love.
Then I like to think of divine beings at a party. And all the angels are there: Cherubim, Seraphim and Putti are crowded together on the same fat cloud, milling around in confusion and mayhem. It's the Putti who are the mischief makers - they get emotional and the Cherubim are followers not leaders. Seraphim are naturally aloof and a bit vain. No rain, no wind, no biting cold, just a nip in the air, the aurora borealis not making much sense either, just sitting on the horizon, big blocks of light and colour, great walls of it, winking and fading on and off like fancy hotels. And the aurora makes noise too, like flute music and the angels pay no attention. They prefer their games - ping pong, and volley ball, and twister. The angels pay no attention to the music. They all gather up there like it was some kind of holiday and moved as they are by the breath of God they don't really know what holiday it is - why they are celebrating.
After they've gathered and teased each other a while someone gets the barbeque going and God sends over a platter of manna to do up, the kind that tastes good with sauce on it. Oh yes, God has a party when the sweet smelling incense of unconditional love wafts across His desk, makes Him set his pen down and close the book a moment on prayers that need to be answered. He gets philosophical, just a little, God that is. The angels know how to party and don't really care what the occasion is, and after the meal - God's sacrament and special communion meal with the Seraphim, Cherubim and Putti - they dance.
God and the angels dance around up there in the clouds to the music of the aurora borealis when one of the saints or sinners gripped by gravity puts out without expecting to get it back.
Rhonda S
The Concession of beauty
If there was a moment in our brief conception we call life, that eclipses all other revelations its this, that beauty is the most revelant of all things humanity appreciates. I have found such beauty in things beyond the average scope of thought. Most would contend that beauty in itself is a man made creation, from the clothes we wear, to the bobbles which hang so perfectly from our extremeties. But there is a scope byond, a God given, Devine manufactured beautiful immaculate moving beauty. I once with a friend took an expedition to a waterfall which fed a stream, the snow had fallen, a blanket of purity to cover the scars of the earth. It must have taken more then a few millenia to carve its way through the rock face which it fell from, the spray from the water acting like a catalyst, a motion of molecules and atoms. I looked up and realized, that there werent many things that could compare to its ireverant perfection, water flowing in between the borrowed rubber boots i wore, to me the stream represented life, and the waterfall God. Forgotten, but always there, the Nourishment to sustain us through the unending pattern of exsistance. Beautifull and powerfull. We are taught in this society that things such as this fail in comparison to the life of greed we are equipped for in our young lives, that monetary gains and momentary pleasure that assist us in going through a colourless wilderness, full of envy and oasis's of deceit are more enthralling. We forget that christ was concieved in a moment of beauty, his life represented the extraordinary, a message which would change the world, and sometimes stain a beautifull painting with pitifull adaptation. There reaches a moment for all when beauty becomes relevant, because without it, where is passion or love, or compassion, or God... Some of the most beautfill creation was born of an imperfect canvas, Scars on a rockface carved to an imperfect Beauty.
Matthew J
The Story
I saw it in her eyes, the pain which tells a story of rape. Her eyes, so beautiful filled with such a relentless fear told me she could never live it down. She would walk down the street, she would hear people calling her names, only seeing one thing she could offer and she believed it. She never thought she was more then what she was meant out to be, but no one ever bothered to say anything. At night she would relive the experience, nightmares, the scars and the mental ramifications. And each day a little more of her would die, she was just a shell of a person who once was; so happy so full of life, and hopeful. The scars which had long since healed left her feeling dirty, she would shower 3 times a day but they wouldn’t scrub off, she would scrub until it bled but nothing.
She was a beautififul girl, and at 19 she looked much older then she was, long dark hair and deep blue eyes, she had the classic hourglass figure and she was so beautiful to look at. She was in school to become an author; she wanted to write children’s books she was creative and very talented. She was named after the Goddess of Wisdom and war, Athena. Athena was never able to tell her parents what had happened to her, she believed they would think less of her, that they would reject her, just like her boyfriend did. Crying for most people alleviates the pain, but for Athena tears were a side effect of her pain, the tears would flow down her face making the make up run, the hopelessness when she cried was unbearable, But crying never helped Athena, it made the pain worse.
When I happened upon Athena she had been sitting in her usual spot at starbucks, her eyes relaying the pain of a young girl who’s innocence had been torn away, and as usual the crowds of young men had their eyes trained upon her as if she was an object. In usual circumstances I would have looked upon her, admired the seamless beauty she portrayed and continued on drinking my Grande Sumatra and thinking about ancient history. I suppose God himself tapped me on the shoulder. Because as my eyes strayed upon her, hers were locked upon me as well, and I was caught. Her eyes, spoke a story I had never known fully, but at that moment, I knew it was real.
For me I suppose the right words in the right circumstances just happen upon me, because something within myself informed me I had to tell Athena. I walked over to her, and as I looked upon her, I could feel what she felt, I could see him clearly, his body pushing against hers, tearing away at her. My eyes filled with tears, and they flowed freely, my heart had become heavy and I felt like I could lose the hotdog I had for breakfast. I struggled to overcome the sickness that had overtaken me, and I spoke to her. I asked her name and she told me “Athena”, I told her it was fitting for a Goddess. I looked into her eyes to relay the message that had happened upon me, “Athena” I said, “The pain in which you feel, is something I could never fathom. But I see it in your eyes clear as daylight, there are parables, which speak of Angels, sent by God to save the world. The pain they experience is nothing short of vile, but you must know that you are special, and an Angel, You will change others with the pain you have experienced. You will overcome, and you will experience some release, because he could never take away your being and your passion”. Athena looked at me, the tears forming in her eyes, she was unable to respond, but I saw that she understood. I was in complete awe, I couldn’t believe anyone as incredible as Athena could be defiled in such a way, and I don’t believe I will ever forget her beautiful eyes; tears flowing, the pain seemingly engulfing her.
It was a week later, when sitting in my usual spot, I saw her again. This time Athena was bold enough to come and talk to me. She asked if she could take a seat next to me, and ordered a cappuccino. To say the least I was amazed she wanted to talk to me, but my mind had needed a rest from the usual subject I was pondering, something about ancient Egypt. Athena sat, she took a moment to gather her thoughts, and she spoke. She asked how I knew what she was feeling, and why I would care. I replied that I saw in her eyes she holds a deep secret, the kind of secret, which tears at your being and causes you, to fall into yourself. I told her that I have seen that kind of pain kill people, I have seen it drive some to places they could have never imagined. It for instance, drove my sister to cocaine and prostitution at 14. And I never forgot the bruises she had from fistfights, and dates gone wrong. To her next question I replied that, I loved a girl who was like Athena, and who was so beautiful it took my breath away to think of her. I told her that, I was never able to tell her what she meant to me, and she ended up being used and hurt by various different guys, and that I swore I would never let it happen again. Athena thought about this as if maybe I had other motives, but seemed perplexed that I hadn’t made any remarks about the way she looked. Without needing the question, I said to her “Athena, I want nothing from you, but I want something for you, I want for you to be able to look outside and see the potential for you life, instead of the pain. I have no intention of trying anything that would cause you hurt in any way”. Athena accepted this.
I rang the doorbell, I was in disbelief that I was standing here, in all actuality I couldn’t believe that she had invited me to her door, but I was here. She had a small apartment, it was beautiful, and the suite in which she lived was part of an old Victorian home in the most beautiful part of town. Everywhere I looked, I saw inspiration, from the print of Mona Lisa, to the Oscar Wilde sitting on her table. I mentioned to her, the meaning behind the name Mona Lisa, that if one rearranges the name you would get Amon and Isis the male and female gods of fertility. She knew this, but was amazed that I did as well.
As we sat, I could smell the aroma of freshly brewed tea, I happened to glance out the window and I could see the ocean, with a slight breeze flowing through the trees near the causeway. At the same moment, Athena walked in and I could smell the perfume she always wore. We sat and drank tea in silence, finally as an icebreaker I asked what she was reading, she replied she had found Dan Brown quite intriguing and was reading demons and Angels. I of course had to mention the Da Vinci Code and the 76.5 million dollars it made, she then told me she knew this.
I could see the ancient in her eyes, and a power held there which I could only imagine ever happening upon. I remember when I was growing up my mother, an artist who doubled as a feminist had told me she had been raped. She told me, that every woman was special and perfect because they had the ability to make life and sustain it. All the women I had ever known whether they were of sound mind or not seemed to me, to be almost angelic. I had always wanted to see women as they saw the world, with emotion and compassion. And when presented with Athena I could see she lived this too, sometimes, she would sit in her little loft and read for hours, it seemed to be the only thing she was able to do that took the pain for a little while. She had tried smoking Pot and snorting cocaine, but the emptiness became a void, and the hurt seemed that much more intense. Athena and I chatted about politics, and different theories regarding the middle-east peace Process (we thought it was fruitless) and slowly settled once again, to Athena herself. I had never known a Girl who could captivate me as much as Athena, I found myself hanging off her every word, hungry for more. She spoke with an eloquence and sophistication that left me feeling envious, and when she smiled I could swear I was sinking.
Matthew J